We all envision our children not just surviving, but truly flourishing. Yet sometimes our well-meaning actions inadvertently strip them of the very tools they need to navigate life’s inevitable storms, such as mental toughness and resilience.
Please allow me to explain by sharing a story:
I recently received a phone call from a frustrated Dad. His daughter, a high school senior in her final athletic season and a dedicated starter who had consistently performed well, was benched inexplicably during a crucial playoff game. A less experienced, younger player took her place. The sting of feeling her commitment and hard work disregarded at such a pivotal moment was palpable in his voice.
He, a dad who had always respected the coach’s decisions regarding playing time, now was contemplating breaking that precedent, wanting to call and demand an explanation for his daughter’s sidelined role. Sensing his internal conflict, I gently steered him away from intervening directly. Instead, I encouraged him to empower his daughter to advocate for herself. I suggested she approach the coach respectfully, voice her disappointment, and inquire about specific reasons for the change in lineup.
He took this to heart and did as I suggested. His daughter, demonstrating remarkable courage, initiated that conversation, seeking clarity about the playoff decision. While the exchange didn’t magically erase her disappointment, she stood tall, articulating her concerns, a maturity the coach acknowledged. Ultimately, she did regain her starting position and contributed significantly to the team’s playoff success.
But the true victory lay beyond the playing time. In that challenging moment, she unearthed a profound courage and an invaluable ability to navigate adversity. She also found a resilience that undoubtedly will serve her far beyond the athletic field. Regardless of that playoff game’s outcome, that day marked a significant growth in her inner strength and future success.
A search of my website would reveal a blog post titled, “Let’s Not Steer Our Children Away From ‘Hard Things‘,” where I urge parents to re-evaluate our inherent desire to shield our children. But now, I want to press into this point further. Parents, are we genuinely preparing our kids to navigate the inevitable storms of life, or are we, perhaps unintentionally, paving their way so smoothly that we diminish their capacity to conquer obstacles? Let’s bravely confront the possibility that we might be overlooking vital opportunities to nurture their ability not only to endure hardship, but to rebound swiftly from difficulties and disappointments. When your child encounters a setback, ask yourselves this crucial question: “Could my very desire to protect my child from discomfort and struggle be the very thing that erodes his (or her) mental fortitude?” The capacity to solve problems, overcome adversity, and bounce back from setbacks is crucial for winning at life. Let’s delve into common parenting practices that, while seemingly supportive, may be inadvertently cultivating an “inability to bounce back” in our kids. By understanding these patterns, we can shift our approach towards fostering resilience and empowering them to face the world with strength and confidence.
Practices for raising mentally strong, resilient kids
Examine your practices and ask yourself:
- Am I shielding my child from all discomfort and failure? Our instinct to protect our children is powerful. We hate to see them hurt or upset. However, constantly removing obstacles and preventing any negative experiences sends the message that they are incapable of handling them. This can lead to children who avoid challenges for fear of failure, crumble under pressure, and lack the inner resources to cope when things don’t go their way, which they inevitably will. They miss out on the crucial learning that comes from navigating difficulty and discovering their own strength.
Alternative: Allow for age-appropriate challenges and frustrations. Instead of immediately fixing a difficult puzzle, offer encouragement and perhaps a small hint, allowing them the satisfaction of solving it themselves. When they face disappointment (not making the team, a friend being unkind), acknowledge their feelings but don’t rush to make it better. Instead, help them identify and share their emotions with you, and then brainstorm potential solutions or coping strategies. This conversation is best had by you asking questions, getting them to process, and helping them find the solution within themselves. Frame failure as a learning opportunity, emphasizing effort and growth over outcome.
2. Am I rescuing my child too quickly? Similar to over-engaging, quick rescues teach children that they don’t have the capacity to handle difficulties on their own. Whether it’s swooping in the moment they express frustration with a task or immediately resolving a conflict with a sibling, this behavior prevents them from developing crucial self-regulation and conflict-resolution skills. They learn that someone will always be there to smooth things over, hindering their ability to persevere through challenges.
Alternative: Encourage them to work through challenges. When your child is struggling with something, resist the immediate urge to jump in. Instead, offer support and encouragement (“I see this is hard, but I know you can try a little longer”). Guide them to break down the problem into smaller steps. In social situations, encourage them to express their feelings and try to find a resolution themselves before you intervene. Teach them strategies for managing frustration and conflict. In addition, teach them to fail forward. That means helping them learn and grow from their mistakes and setbacks, rather than being discouraged or defined by them. It’s about cultivating a mindset where failure is seen not as an end point, but as a valuable opportunity for learning, adaptation, and ultimately, success.
3. Am I making excuses for their poor behavior or performance? When a parent continues to make excuses for their child’s poor behavior or performance, it may stem from a well-meaning desire to shield the child from pain, disappointment, or failure. While it’s natural to want to protect our children from criticism, consistently deflecting responsibility ultimately does more harm than good. It sends the message that the child is never at fault and that external factors are always to blame. Over time, this undermines their ability to learn from mistakes and stunts emotional growth.
Blaming teachers, friends, or circumstances not only prevents the child from developing self-awareness but also erodes their capacity to take ownership of their actions. They miss critical opportunities to reflect, adapt, and mature. Instead of building resilience and humility, the child may grow accustomed to being excused and may even come to expect it. This can foster a mindset of entitlement, where constructive feedback is viewed as a threat rather than a gift, and challenges are avoided rather than embraced. In the long run, such patterns can interfere with relationships, academic or career success, and personal growth. True support doesn’t mean shielding children from every uncomfortable consequence, it means equipping them to face those consequences with courage, responsibility, and the understanding that growth often comes through struggle.
Alternative: Help them take ownership of their actions. Rather than shielding children from the natural consequences of their behavior, empower them by guiding them toward personal responsibility. Ownership is foundational to maturity and character development. When discussing mistakes or poor performance, shift the focus away from blame and toward personal reflection. Ask thoughtful, non-accusatory questions like, “What part did you play in this?”, “What could you have done differently?”, or “What do you think might help next time?” These kinds of questions teach children to think critically about their choices without feeling attacked or shamed.
This approach builds emotional intelligence by helping them understand not only what they did, but why they did it, and how it affected others. It fosters humility, resilience, and a growth mindset, where mistakes are seen not as evidence of failure, but as opportunities to learn and grow. Encourage them to consider the consequences of their actions, both natural and relational. If their actions hurt someone, gently guide them toward making things right—whether through an apology, a changed behavior, or a tangible act of restoration. This helps develop empathy and integrity.
Most importantly, model this mindset yourself. When you make a mistake as a parent, own it openly: “I lost my temper earlier, and I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. I’m sorry.” Children learn far more from what we demonstrate than from what we demand. When they see you take responsibility with honesty and humility, it becomes safe and natural for them to do the same.
4. Am I shielding my child from some natural consequences? Natural consequences are some of life’s best teachers. They are not punishments; they are the direct, logical outcomes of choices and behaviors. When parents consistently intervene to prevent these outcomes, even with good intentions, they unintentionally rob their children of the chance to learn essential life lessons.
For example, if a child forgets their homework, and the parent rushes it to school every time, the child never experiences the discomfort of being unprepared and thus has little incentive to change their habits. If a child refuses to wear a coat, and the parent forces them to take one or carries it for them “just in case,” the child doesn’t get the opportunity to experience mild discomfort and learn to make better decisions next time. These small experiences of failure, frustration, or inconvenience are formative, not damaging, and they help a child develop foresight, responsibility, and resilience.
Shielding a child from natural consequences also disrupts their understanding of cause and effect. Instead of learning that actions have outcomes, they internalize the message that someone else will always step in to soften the blow or fix the problem. Over time, this can foster dependence, irresponsibility, and a lack of motivation. The child may start to expect others to manage their responsibilities or clean up after their mistakes, which can lead to entitlement and underdeveloped coping skills. In addition, constant rescue prevents emotional growth. It deprives children of the discomfort that often leads to reflection and change. When we protect them from every disappointment, we’re not making them emotionally safer, we’re making them emotionally fragile. They need to feel the weight of their choices in manageable ways while the stakes are still low, so they’re better prepared to handle more serious consequences in adulthood, when stakes are much higher.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we abandon or shame our children when they fail. It means we walk alongside them, offering empathy and guidance while allowing the outcome to stand. You might say, “I know it’s frustrating not to find your toy. Maybe next time we can come up with a system to help keep track of things.” This teaches both accountability, problem-solving, and critical life skills. In short, shielding children from natural consequences may offer short-term comfort, but it delays long-term growth. True love doesn’t just protect, it prepares. And preparation often means letting experience be the teacher.
Alternative: Allow natural consequences to unfold when safe and appropriate. As parents, it’s hard to watch our kids struggle, but resisting the urge to constantly bail them out does them a favor in the long run. For example, if your child forgets their lunch, it’s okay to let them feel a bit of hunger for a few hours, it’s uncomfortable, but not unsafe. You can be empathetic afterward and gently ask, “What might help you remember tomorrow?” Or if they skip a chore, like laundry, and run out of clean clothes, you might say, “Looks like you’re out of socks. What’s your plan?” That hands the responsibility back to them without shaming or fixing it for them.
These moments help kids understand the connection between their actions and the outcomes. Instead of protecting them from every inconvenience, we’re giving them space to reflect and grow. When things don’t go well, like a poor grade on a test from procrastinating, we don’t need to call the teacher or make excuses. Let the grade stand, and later talk it through: “What got in the way? What might you do differently next time?” That builds problem-solving and accountability, not to mention resilience.
And of course, our tone matters. Stay calm and empathetic. This isn’t about punishment—it’s about growth. Make it clear you’re on their side by saying things like, “I know that was frustrating. I’ve made mistakes too.” You can even model this by owning your own slip-ups: “I forgot my meeting today because I didn’t write it down. I need a better system.” The goal isn’t perfection, it’s progress.
Are we raising kids who can weather life’s storms?
As parents, we deeply desire for our children to thrive, not just in comfort, but in courage, character, and resilience. But what if, in our eagerness to protect and provide, we’re unknowingly softening the very muscles they need to grow strong? We parents need to take a hard, but hopeful, look at our parenting practices. Are we stepping in too quickly, smoothing every bump, rescuing too often, or prioritizing our child’s happiness over their growth? While well-intentioned, these patterns may be quietly robbing our children of the confidence and grit they’ll need when life inevitably gets hard.
The truth is, growth doesn’t happen in ease, it happens in adversity. It happens when our children face setbacks and disappointments and learn to rise. It happens when we step back, not out of neglect, but out of trust, trust in their capacity to wrestle with discomfort, to problem-solve, to take ownership, and to bounce back stronger. I hope you have found practical alternatives that help shift your parenting from shielding to strengthening. From validating emotions to allowing natural consequences, from stepping back to letting them struggle a bit, it’s all about raising kids who know they can handle life because they’ve had practice doing hard things.
So, let’s trade rescuing for resilience. Let’s raise kids who don’t just survive life’s storms but learn to dance in the rain. Our love will always be their safety net, but let’s also be the springboard that launches them into overcoming the big and the small things of life.