Parents are smart to exercise discernment before stepping into a difficult circumstance their child faces. Failure is part of life. We adults get that — and we probably have grown tremendously because of a setback or two. Many of us might even say, “I appreciate some of the difficult things that have come my way because of them I am better off for them.” However, in my nearly four decades of work as a coach, educator, and school administrator, I have encountered many parents — often the same ones who say they “are better off” — who quickly run to the rescue when failure or defeat comes knocking on their child’s door. I get the desire of wanting to save our kids from the pain and sorrow that has found us on occasion — but I am puzzled about why we wouldn’t want some of the same life lessons that shaped us to shape our children.
I have seen setbacks come in all different shapes and sizes, and rarely would I label any of them too big for a young person to overcome — but unfortunately, in more than 80 percent of the cases I am referring to, a setback was often followed up by a parent who wanted to bulldoze and flatten out the path for their child. The result is no more skinned knees, or impending wipe-outs, and no more uncomfortable moments. Too many parents guard and deflect, and they do all they can to minimize any potential hardship. Is that a good thing? I don’t think so.
Even if our children are awesome, and they should be, life will present some challenges for them eventually. It is inevitable, and we parents should be ready when the opportunity presents itself to allow difficult moments to form our children’s character. Regardless of how circumstances take a turn for the worst, what a blessing it will be for our children if we allow these situations to help them develop some grit. They will provide perfect opportunities for us to walk alongside our child, and to coach them through this time, giving them a chance to overcome.
Tough times create resilient people
Let’s say your child gets caught doing something inappropriate, or let’s say they have decided to tackle a challenge way beyond them (good for them), and possible failure is on the horizon. All are good opportunities to build resiliency. Let’s think twice about how this moment might benefit them, grow them, or stretch them. Don’t whisk it away as fast as you can. Yes, it might be uncomfortable for them and for you. It might be embarrassing, but it also likely will require them to face the fact that they have fallen short. In those moments of disappointment and setback, we do them an injustice if we don’t allow them to ponder the reality of the situation by steering them away from the full impact of that event. Let the “tough moment” teach. There will be time for you to love and mentor them once they are fully acquainted with the challenge, but let’s not steal a “great comeback” from them, and the ability to grow beyond something they once thought was inescapable or impossible. This can be transformative if we allow them to dance with failure.
I have spent years talking many young men onto the wrestling mat, knowing full well they would experience hardship before victory. Hundreds of young men have passed through my wrestling room, never to become a state championship wrestler, but, instead, a responsible, caring adult; employee; husband; and Dad who is capable of overcoming hardship. Their courage, their grit, and their perseverance were baked into them through hard practices and thrashings on a wrestling mat. Honestly, I have come to admire and appreciate any child who is willing to take a risk out there on any stage, in front of their entire world, with the possibility of failure. I have the same admiration for any young person who will fully embrace their wrongdoing, own it, and strive to make it right, while allowing themselves to grow from the experience. But unfortunately, it’s not too often a child steps into this arena. Too many parents are resistant to allowing their child to take this journey for all sorts of reasons — and so the lesson is lost, and the comeback squashed.
As Executive Director of Coach4Life, I challenge parents to nudge their children towards “hard things.” I also suggest they model it by doing “hard things” themselves. While comfort is nice, “hard things” act as a boot camp for their minds and spirits. Overcoming obstacles builds resilience, teaches problem-solving, and boosts their confidence when they come out the other side. They’ll discover hidden talents, develop a strong work ethic, and appreciate success more deeply. In the case of a wrongdoing, these opportunities build character and ownership that will serve them well long after they grow past 18 years of age and the transgressions they commit have a whole different set of consequences. These challenges pave the way for a future filled with grit, perseverance, ethics, and the ability to thrive in a world that isn’t always easy or fair.
While it is important to support young people and offer guidance, letting them experience some challenges is a healthy part of growing up. The lessons learned from hard things can shape them into well-rounded, adaptable, and successful individuals. Failure often gets a bad rap but overcoming it can be a secret weapon. It teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and our limits. Each setback is a steppingstone, proving we have the grit to get back up and try again. In the end, overcoming failure of any kind equips us with the strength and knowledge to succeed, and to achieve victories that might not have been possible otherwise.