When a child is grappling with a difficult decision or a challenging situation, the instinctual response of many parents is to give advice or solutions. While this well-intentioned impulse stems from a desire to protect and guide, it inadvertently can hinder a child’s ability to develop critical thinking, problem-solving skills, and self-reliance. Instead, a more empowering approach is to ask open-ended questions that encourage exploration of different perspectives and ultimately help young people arrive at their own solutions. This strategy, rooted in the principles of active listening and supportive communication, fosters a sense of autonomy and resilience in children and enables them to navigate life’s challenges with confidence.
A habit to break
We parents have a tendency to provide solutions based on our adult experiences without fully considering our adolescent child’s unique challenges and perspectives. This often leads to frustration and disconnection. Adolescents are still developing their problem-solving skills and emotional intelligence. While an adult might quickly identify a solution, a teen may need more time and guidance to work through their thoughts and feelings. By asking questions, parents can help teens develop these skills at their pace and feel more confident in their abilities to navigate life on their own.
And let’s face it: teenagers often have a different worldview and priorities than adults. What may seem like a simple solution to mom or dad might not be practical or appealing to their kids. By encouraging their teenager to think through the situation at hand, parents can gain a better understanding of their child’s perspective and tailor their wisdom accordingly. Taking a step back in this manner also creates space for open and honest communication. It shows teens that their parents value their thoughts and feelings and are willing to listen without judgment — which can lead to a stronger bond and improve overall family dynamics.
The benefits of asking your child questions
There are several benefits that come from asking instead of telling. Among them:
Asking questions empowers children to take ownership of their decisions. When parents offer solutions, they inadvertently convey the message that they are better equipped to handle the situation than the child. This can undermine the child’s self-esteem and create a sense of dependency. In contrast, when parents ask questions, they signal that they trust their child’s ability to think for themselves and make informed choices. This encourages a child to take action — and assume responsibility for the choices they make.
Asking questions stimulates critical thinking and problem-solving skills. When confronted with a difficult situation, children may initially feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed. By asking open-ended questions, parents can help break down the problem into smaller, more manageable parts. For example, instead of simply telling a child what to do, a parent might ask, “What are the different options available to you?” or “What are the potential consequences of each choice?” These questions encourage the child to think critically about the situation, weigh the pros and cons of different options, and identify potential solutions.
Asking questions can help children develop empathy and perspective-taking skills. When parents ask questions such as, “How do you think this decision will affect others?” or “What would you do if you were in their shoes?” they encourage children to consider the impact of their choices on others. This fosters a sense of empathy and helps children develop a more nuanced understanding of different perspectives. By learning to see situations from multiple viewpoints, kids are better equipped to make decisions that are both ethical and considerate of others.
Asking questions can create a stronger parent-child bond. When parents take the time to listen attentively to their children’s thoughts and feelings, it strengthens the parent-child relationship. It signals to the child that they are valued, understood, and supported. This sense of connection and trust is essential for healthy child development and promotes feelings of security and confidence to navigate other life challenges.
Finally, asking questions can help children learn from their mistakes. When children make poor decisions, it is important to avoid blaming or shaming them. Instead, parents can use this as an opportunity for growth and learning. By asking questions such as, “What do you think you could have done differently?” or “What did you learn from this experience?” parents can help their teens reflect on their mistakes and identify areas for improvement. This approach fosters a growth mindset, encouraging kids to view challenges as opportunities for learning and development.
While the instinct to provide solutions may seem like the most helpful approach, asking questions is ultimately a more effective strategy for supporting kids as they tackle difficult decisions and challenging situations. By empowering them to think critically, solve problems, and make informed choices, parents can help them develop the skills and confidence they need to succeed in life.