Conflicts between parent and child are bound to happen, and they often require a parent to correct their child. This can be uncomfortable and difficult.
As a former school administrator, I have seen too many times when parents choose to skip the correcting part because they don’t want the challenges that come with accountability. Peace and harmony feel more important than pushback; however, in my experience, failure to discipline in the younger years results in challenges and setbacks in the older years.
In the life of almost every child, there will come a time when they make a conscious decision to break a rule, a stated expectation, or a family
guideline. In general, they will say, “No,” or purposely disobey you as a parent. This is a natural part of growing up. Sometimes you will see it coming, but at other times, you will be caught completely off guard. Negotiating and navigating these times of conflict won’t be easy, but you as a parent often will win if you can use your child’s poor choice as a teachable moment.
The correction needs to be more than a harsh word followed by a punishment. Although punishment is appropriate, it only sends the message that your child’s disobedience annoyed and inconvenienced you. So have a “teachable moment conversation” first. That gets to the heart of the behavior and opens the door afterwards for the punishment to re-enforce a heart change.
Three guidelines I like to follow when correcting children
Each of my four children has given me more than one opportunity to correct a poor choice they intentionally decided to make. I always felt that if I didn’t work with them to make a correction, I was enabling them to continue the undesirable behavior. On more than one occasion, we had to re-visit a behavior — and that is the place where I noticed good parenting begins. When a child is continually and purposefully making the same mistakes, correction is necessary, not optional. Sticking with it and maintaining consistency always will win the day, even when you would rather quit, admit defeat, and move on.
Ultimately, I want my children to obey God, and if I can’t teach them to obey me, it is very likely they will not come to a place where they can obey Him. The Bible tells us that God disciplines those He loves. (Hebrews 12:6) God doesn’t discipline His children from a place of anger, but from love. Likewise, let your child know the reason for your correction is purely motivated by your love for them, and that it is necessary for getting them on a path that is better than the one they currently are on.
- Be firm – “Being firm is about clearly explaining to your kids what behavior is tolerated and what is not.” Firm discipline doesn’t mean screaming at your kids. It means you get on their eye level, speak clearly in a stern tone, and explain how they’re supposed to behave. If they refuse, do not repeat the request. Being firm is about clearly explaining to your kids what behavior is tolerated and what is not. Your child shouldn’t disrespect you, but when it happens, you must firmly step in and correct the behavior. And if you are not serious about this approach, kids think it’s a game, and you will only frustrate yourself.
- Be fair – Your discipline must be fair—the punishment must fit the crime. I’ve learned this the hard way. To overcompensate for my weak discipline skills, I would inflict harsh penalties on my child, like no TV for a month or keeping their favorite toy for a month. If you go too far, your child will see you as unfair, and his or her behavior may worsen. If your child doesn’t get off her phone when told, then take it away for a day. If your son eats the cupcake, you told him not to eat, it would be fair to take away his dessert tomorrow. It would be unfair to stop sending him to school with Snack Packs for the rest of the year.
- Be consistent – Consistency is the most important part of disciplining and correcting kids. Whatever your method is, it must be consistent. Routine is how your children learn new and positive behaviors. Suppose Dad allows disrespectful behavior when alone with his kids but comes down hard when they are with their mom. In that case, it creates confusion. “Dad only cares how we behave when Mom’s around. What’s wrong with Mom?” That is the message we send. You must be consistently firm and consistently fair. Allow flexibility up to the clearly acceptable behavior line, but immediately step in to correct behavior when kids cross it.
Be firm, fair and consistent. Honestly, sometimes you will do this well, while other times you won’t. Not correcting behavior enables behavior, and correcting behavior — even when not done perfectly — sends the message that there are boundaries. Placing boundaries in your child’s life is healthy and productive for them. Your kids might say you’re wrecking their lives, but you aren’t. You are adding to their lives. God has borders for us all — guardrails that bring us life to the full. When you correct your children, you introduce for them a better way.