As a high school wrestling coach for 35 years, I have jumped into competition thousands of times, standing mat-side for 35,000 individual matches and feeling every emotion, from heartbreak to elation. I love competition, and I’m not a big fan of losing; however, I have learned how not to put winning in front of other benefits competition offers. I also have learned we can reap incredible benefits from defeat can if we are willing to be its student.
Just one night changed my perspective about winning and losing. I was rebuilding a team that had been dominated the year before by high school seniors who had finished in the top 10 of state competition. The team I was left to coach was young and relatively inexperienced — and we got absolutely obliterated at a dual meet, 70-0. Yes, zero. I took a quick photo of the scoreboard as a reminder of how bad we were that night, knowing our performance would improve as the season progressed. Then I spent the next 45 minutes chastising the young wrestlers about effort, heart, overcoming, blah, blah, blah. I sent them home with their parents, thinking they somehow had let me down. Then I went home, sent my own family to bed, and began to break down film of our dismal performance — and getting angrier by the minute.
Two hours into my study — and out of nowhere — I felt God say, “That’s enough.”
Over the next several minutes, God commandeered the platform, and I just sat there listening.
“This is not why I made you the Head Coach,” I heard Him say. ” This is not about you. gave you leadership of this team so you could use the sport of wrestling to teach them about ME, and you are failing at the calling I gave you.”
I felt immense conviction because I had, indeed, fallen into a trap that often ensnares coaches. I had made the team’s performance all about me.
My emotions went from anger to remorse in about 30 seconds. I began to weep, sitting all by myself at midnight, wondering how I had lost perspective.
The next day at school, the team captain found me and apologized on behalf of the entire team for their performance. He also told me they were expecting a grueling practice. When they showed up in the gym, I pulled everyone together and told them I was wrong about everything — wrong about how I had treated them, wrong about the things I said. And then I asked for their forgiveness. I finished by assuring them they would never see that side of me again because God had a different plan for our team — and that it wasn’t about me or what I wanted.
The wrestlers were shocked — and even more so when we didn’t wrestle at all that practice. Instead, we played their favorite game for an hour and a half, laughed — and turned the page on the mindset that our season together would be about only winning and losing. Indeed, our record that year wasn’t very impressive — but so many awesome things came from the day, when I turned that team over to God. My heart and perspective about competition changed overnight, and it blessed our wrestling program for years to come.
Competition is a fundamental aspect of human existence, seemingly woven into the very fabric of our being. From the moment we are born, we are in a race to develop, to learn, to achieve. This competitive spirit manifests in countless ways throughout our lives, from friendly games to professional pursuits, from academic challenges to spiritual growth. But why is this so? Why would a loving God, who desires unity and peace, create a world where competition seems to be an inherent part of the human experience? And more importantly, how can we, as parents, guide our children to navigate this competitive landscape in a way that is both healthy and spiritually enriching?
God’s design for competition
To truly grasp God’s design for competition, we need to shift our perspective from a purely worldly understanding of competition as a zero-sum game, where one person’s win necessitates another’s loss, to a more nuanced, biblical view. The Bible, while not explicitly stating, “God created us to compete,” provides numerous insights into human nature and God’s plan that shed light on this phenomenon.
One of the primary reasons God might have embedded a competitive impulse within us is for the purpose of growth and development. Think about it: how often do we push ourselves beyond our perceived limits when there’s no challenge, no benchmark, no one to strive against or alongside? It’s often in the face of a challenge, in the pursuit of overcoming an obstacle, that we discover hidden strengths and capabilities. The apostle Paul, in his letters, frequently uses athletic metaphors to describe the Christian life. In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, he writes, “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” Here, competition isn’t about tearing others down, but about disciplined self-improvement for a greater, eternal purpose. This kind of “competition” is about striving for excellence, not just in our own lives but in our walk with God.
Further, competition, when rightly understood, can foster innovation and creativity. When individuals or groups vie for a better solution, a more efficient method, or a more profound understanding, it often leads to breakthroughs that benefit everyone. Imagine a world where there was no incentive to improve, no desire to surpass previous achievements. Progress would stagnate. God, as the ultimate Creator, designed a universe brimming with potential and energy. He instilled in humanity a drive to explore, to create, to push boundaries. This drive, in its healthy expression, often takes on a competitive edge, a desire to outdo oneself, to discover something new, to build something better.
Another crucial aspect is the cultivation of character. Competition, with its inherent victories and defeats, provides fertile ground for developing virtues like perseverance, humility, resilience, and discipline. When we win, we learn gratitude and the importance of continued effort. When we lose, we learn humility, how to bounce back from setbacks, and the value of learning from our mistakes. Consider the story of David and Goliath (in 1 Samuel 17). David, a young shepherd boy, faced an insurmountable challenge in Goliath, the Philistine giant. This was a direct competition, not just for personal glory, but for the fate of an entire nation. Through this “competition,” David displayed immense courage, faith, and skill, and in doing so, he not only defeated Goliath but also solidified his character as a leader chosen by God. The competitive scenario allowed for the demonstration and strengthening of his God-given qualities.
Competition also can foster a sense of community and teamwork. While competition often conjures images of individuals vying against each other, it also plays a significant role in team dynamics. Think of a sports team working together, each member striving to contribute their best to achieve a common goal. This kind of healthy competition within a team strengthens bonds, encourages mutual support, and elevates the collective performance. The Bible speaks extensively about the body of Christ, where each member has a unique gift and purpose, working together for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:12-27). While not explicitly competitive in the worldly sense, the striving to excel in one’s gift for the benefit of the whole body can be seen as a form of healthy “competition” to serve God and others more effectively.
How to help kids have a healthy view of competition
Now, how can we, as parents, help our children gain the most from this inherent competitive aspect of life, especially in a world that often emphasizes winning at all costs?
First and foremost, we need to redefine “winning” for our children. In God’s eyes, winning isn’t always about being first, or having the most, or defeating others. True winning is about growth, effort, character development, and serving God and others. We need to shift the focus from external validation to internal motivation. Instead of asking, “Did you win?” we should ask, “Did you do your best? Did you learn something new? Did you encourage others? Did you honor God with your effort?” This emphasis on effort and character aligns with biblical principles. Colossians 3:23 reminds us, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” This applies to all aspects of life, including competitive endeavors.
Second, teach them the value of healthy competition. This means instilling in them the understanding that competition should be about pushing oneself to be better, not about tearing others down. Encourage good sportsmanship, respect for opponents, and humility in victory and grace in defeat. Remind them that every person is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and deserves to be treated with dignity, regardless of the outcome of a competition. When they win, teach them to be gracious and to acknowledge the efforts of others. When they lose, help them process their emotions in a healthy way, learn from their mistakes, and congratulate their opponents. This cultivates emotional intelligence and resilience, vital skills for navigating life’s challenges.
Third, foster a growth mindset. Help your children understand that their abilities are not fixed but can be developed through effort and dedication. When they face a setback or a loss, instead of allowing them to internalize it as a failure, guide them to see it as an opportunity for learning and improvement. The Bible is full of stories of individuals who faced significant challenges and setbacks but ultimately grew stronger through perseverance and faith. Think of Job, who lost everything but remained steadfast in his faith, ultimately being blessed more than before (Job 42:10-17). This resilience in the face of adversity is a powerful lesson that competition can teach.
Fourth, emphasize teamwork and collaboration. While individual competition has its place, it’s equally important to teach our children the power of working together towards a common goal. Encourage participation in team sports, group projects, and community service. Help them understand that sometimes, the greatest “wins” come not from individual triumph, but from collective effort and mutual support. This aligns with the biblical concept of community and the importance of supporting one another, as seen in passages like Romans 12:4-5, which speaks of different members of the body working together for a common purpose.
Fifth, help them understand that true value comes from God, not from accomplishments. In a world obsessed with success and achievement, it’s easy for children to equate their worth with their performance. We need to consistently remind them that their identity and value are rooted in being children of God, loved unconditionally, regardless of their competitive outcomes. This frees them from the crushing pressure of always having to win and allows them to participate in competition for the joy of it, for the learning it provides, and for the opportunity to develop their God-given talents. Psalm 139:14 beautifully expresses this: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This intrinsic worth is not dependent on external achievements.
Finally, we parents need to model healthy competitive behavior ourselves. Children are keen observers, and they will learn more from our actions than from our words. If we get overly invested in their victories, or become consumed by their losses, they will internalize that same unhealthy pressure. If we demonstrate grace, humility, perseverance, and a Christ-like attitude in our own competitive endeavors (whether at work, in hobbies, or in personal challenges), they will learn to emulate those positive traits.
I hope you will walk away with this: God did not create us to compete in a way that promotes pride, envy, or division. Rather, the competitive impulse, when viewed through a biblical lens, serves as a catalyst for growth, innovation, character development, and community building. It is a tool for pushing ourselves to excel, not for the sake of earthly glory, but for the purpose of becoming more like Christ and honoring God with our lives. By redefining winning, teaching healthy competition, fostering a growth mindset, emphasizing teamwork, grounding their value in God, and modeling positive behavior, we can guide our children to navigate the competitive aspects of life in a way that not only helps them achieve their potential but also draws them closer to God and prepares them for a life of purpose and fulfillment. It’s not about escaping competition, but about transforming it into a powerful force for good, a testament to God’s wise and purposeful design.