Non-traditional practices for raising responsible adults

The internet, parenting magazines and well-meaning advice from family and friends often overwhelm parents with seemingly endless streams of dos and don’ts. From strict parenting styles to permissive ones, the spectrum of approaches actually can blur the vision of what you will and will not do to raise your children to be the best version of themselves. Amid the never-ending flow of advice, it’s crucial to remember the fundamental goal of parenting: to raise responsible, independent and compassionate individuals. While the specifics of how to achieve this may vary, the underlying principle remains constant: children need to be equipped with the tools to navigate life’s challenges and opportunities. By instilling a strong work ethic, a sense of responsibility and a healthy dose of humility, parents can set up their children for success.

From working over the past 35 years in education as an administrator, teacher and coach, I have seen some simple, non-traditional things parents do and do not do that I believe should be essentials when raising our children.  We all want our children to grow up to be responsible teens, making the right decisions that will launch them into a future ready to compete and make their way successfully in the world.  Here are three non-traditional practices not found in many parenting manuals. They male a lot of sense — and I have seen them produce fruit.

Don’t buy your child a $75,000 car at age 16 or even 18.  Why?

1. Happiness and fulfillment: A $75,000 car is a big deal.  Material possessions can provide temporary pleasure, but they don’t offer lasting happiness or fulfillment. True happiness comes from within — through personal growth, relationships and meaningful experiences. 
2. Resilience: When children tie their self-worth to material things, they become vulnerable to disappointment and unhappiness when those things are lost or damaged. Building identity on internal qualities, such as kindness, creativity, or intelligence, creates a stronger foundation for resilience. 
3. Empathy and gratitude: Focusing on material possessions can make it harder to appreciate what we have and develop empathy for others. Teaching children to value experiences, relationships and giving back cultivates a sense of gratitude and compassion. 
4. True self-worth: A car is a hard thing for a teenager not to put their self-worth in.  A person’s worth is not defined by their possessions. Encouraging children to focus on their talents, skills, and positive qualities helps them develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. 
5. Costs: Statistically speaking, your 16 year old or 18 year old likely will have a fender bender or two before they reach age 21.  Fixing a $15,000 car is a little more practical, and it sends the message that money doesn’t grow on trees — healthy perspective for teenagers to have.
6. Reward for hard work: If our child has the best of the best when driving around this expensive car, what incentive do they have to work towards upgrading?  We may have stolen from them an opportunity to put effort into earning something better.  If our child feels they’ve already “made it,” they might become less motivated to work hard and achieve further goals.
7. Sense of entitlement: An expensive car could create a sense of entitlement, making the child less appreciative of the value of hard work and money. As a parent, we should do everything we can to eliminate entitlement from our children.  They deserve your love, a healthy meal, quality education, and shelter from the cold. Maybe they also need a vehicle to get back and forth from school or their job should having one bring Mom and Dad relief from chauffeuring duties.  However, they do not deserve a $75,000 car.
8. Encouraging saving: You might consider this radical, but the benefits from the following would be numerous.  Instead of buying them a car, consider helping the child save for their own car. This teaches them the value of money and the importance of financial planning.
9. Set expectations: If you poo-poo my idea and want to buy them that Range Rover, it might be a good idea for your child to know this is your car and not their car.  Setting expectations for them on how you would like your car to treated and driven might allow them to learn and appreciate the responsibilities that come with owning a nice car.

Have a curfew, even if you don’t need one.  Why?

1. Safety: Does anything really good happen for teenagers after midnight? Not usually.  Curfews help ensure your child is home before it gets too late, when risks, such as accidents, crime, or poor decision-making, increase. 
2. Sleep: As my children made their way through high school, they stayed up later and later. It’s a common teenage thing, and they aren’t really good at appreciating good sleeping habits, especially with there is fun to be had.  Establishing a regular bedtime routine (even though it might be later on the weekends) with a curfew can help your child get adequate sleep, which is crucial for their physical and mental health. 
3. Responsibility: Curfews teach responsibility and help your child learn to manage their time effectively.  It also requires them at times to make choices. Knowing we can’t do it all isn’t a bad thing. 
4. Reduced stress: I often felt uneasy until I knew my children were back in my home for the evening, or at the home of a friend where a parent had knowledge of their whereabouts.  Knowing your child is safe at home or in the care of a trusted adult can reduce your own stress and anxiety, promoting better overall well-being for both of you. 
5. Open communication: Curfews can be an opportunity to have open conversations about boundaries, trust and expectations, which can strengthen your relationship with your child.  Accountability is a good thing for teenagers — trust me.

Consider having your children get a job when they turn 16.  Why?

Remember that we are trying to raise responsible adults who contribute to society and become the best versions of themselves. Employment during the teen years promotes:

1. Financial responsibility: Earning their own money teaches teens the value of money and how to manage it responsibly. They learn to budget, save, and make informed spending decisions while under your roof.  In addition, making them responsible for one bill (cell phone, insurance, clothes for school or date nights) teaches them financial responsibility in ways no amount of examples or lectures can.
2. Time management skills: Balancing work, school, sports and other commitments helps teens develop strong time management and organizational skills. 
3. Work ethic and discipline: A job instills a sense of responsibility, punctuality and the importance of a strong work ethic. Also, there are at least a dozen life lessons you would like them to obtain before they leave your house — and a job allows another adult to teach them those life lessons through on-the-job learning. When these lessons come from you, your kids may roll their eyes.  When they come from a work supervisor, they say, “Yes, ma’am,” or “Yes, sir.”
4. Soft skills development: Teens learn valuable interpersonal skills. Communication, teamwork, problem-solving and conflict resolution can all be learned or re-enforced when working for someone else.
5. Real-world experience: A job provides practical experience and a glimpse into the professional world, helping them prepare for future careers and being accountable when someone else is paying them to be so.
6. Increased independence: Earning their own money and managing their finances can boost their self-reliance and confidence.

After reading this, you might call me crazy.  Fair enough — because my kids think that already.  However, after working many years in some very affluent areas, I have seen these three things played out by some of those same well-to-do parents, and I was impressed with how their children turned out.  Ultimately, we all just want our kids prepared to win in the real world, and these practices only can help. At some point, the future will become difficult for our children because life isn’t always fair. Failure and challenges await them. These three suggestions will develop some resiliency in them, which is the best character trait they can possess to overcome the hard knocks that inevitable will come their way.