Children are a gift, and many of us feel that way. However, life has a tendency to give our children different messages that can leave them questioning who they really are. As parents, we get the privilege of speaking into this and turning back the wave of discouragement that can sometimes drown them — and even become an obstacle to them living out their God-given purpose.
When working with dads, I often try to encourage them to be intentional in their unique role, and to create space in their home and in their schedule to influence their children. Something much more than just showing up before dinner must be a standard to which fathers hold themselves. Their words, their engagement, their criticism and their eye contact all play a part in them inspiring their children to be all God has called them to be.
“Dad, how come you don’t come to my practice anymore?” or “Dad, how come you don’t read me a book at night anymore before I go to bed?” are questions indicating that your child is feeling “ghosted” or overlooked. What messages are you hearing lately that might indicate your child is missing you? Sometimes these little investments in time send louder messages to our kids than we think, and they create impressions we often can’t comprehend. Is it possible your children can feel overlooked because life at work or other responsibilities in your life have changed? Yes, it’s very possible, especially when quality family time seems scarce, and schedules are very busy and demanding. Consider doing these few things, and see if they make a difference.
Engage with your children as soon as they get home
It would probably surprise us how easily our children feel forgotten. Many dads walk in the door with the day’s events still on their mind, and it might take them awhile to shift from “Work Dad” to “Home Dad.” The quicker you do this, the better for your kids. It is possible that your children feel overlooked or less important when you come home every day, and your attention is elsewhere. When you don’t acknowledge them when you enter the home — and maybe head straight to your home office or a quiet space to finish up an email or answer that one last message — your children will get the message that things out in the world are more important than they are. Instead, consider walking in the door and eagerly greeting their little faces with some sort of affection in a way that’s most meaningful to them.
Write notes of encouragement
A few words of encouragement written and left under a pillow, in a lunch box, or taped to the mirror in the bathroom is a simple way to say, “I see you, and I love you.” When kids get older, and there are sports practices, other activities, or friends eating away at the time you get to be with your children, a quick note can be an effective way of communicating that they matter. Handwritten notes give you a way to speak love even when it seems as if you and your kids are living two different schedules. My guess is that your child will save these notes and keep them in a special place, where they can re-read them again and again.
Go out of your way to compliment them
It’s amazing how praise and recognition encourage our kids and make them feel important. It’s even better when they didn’t know you were watching, and you saw them do something amazing or unselfish. You validate them and strengthen their resolve to do it more. They desperately want our approval, whether we know it or not. Keep an eye out for regular ways to notice them and their achievements in school, at home, in sports, or anywhere. Then watch their faces light up when they see that you took the time to notice.
Find ways to be engaged in their everyday life
Kids feel seen and loved when parents attend their sporting events, help them on school projects or simply ask about something that matters to them. Children also naturally love to talk about things connected to their passion, whatever that may be. As a parent, use your child’s passions to your advantage to make them feel seen and heard.
Don’t solve all their problems
Your child may share a concern or problem they are dealing with. Refrain from giving them solutions to their challenge. Your adult solution likely won’t fix the matter anyway. Instead, pepper them with questions, allowing them to process, speak out loud and find a plausible solution. In doing so, you are telling your child, “I trust you, I believe in you, and I think you are smart enough to figure this out.” It also helps them develop a little grit in their lives.
Let your children know that they are the object of your affection, and use these ways to let them know they are seen, they are precious, and they are cherished more than words can express.